


My Drunk Yuletide

by madgirl



Category: My Drunk Kitchen
Genre: Gen, Meta, Yuletide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-26
Updated: 2011-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-28 04:02:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/303523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madgirl/pseuds/madgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Writing a Yuletide Madness fic?  Step one: Open a bottle of wine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Drunk Yuletide

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greyson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyson/gifts).



> This is a bizarre little story, I know, but I hope that it gives you a giggle. :)
> 
> I should probably add an author's note that typos are a stylistic choice. (Translation: Does it count as a beta if they've been drinking too?) THANK YOU, INTERNET FRIENDS.

Hello!

Welcome to My Drunk Yuletide.

Sooooo when it’s nearly midnight on Christmas and you really really really want to write that Yuletide Madness fic before the deadline, step one is: Open a bottle of wine. Probably white wine because either you’re not having a white Christmas and you want one, or because you _are_ having a white Christmas and you’re snowed into your damn house and can’t get out to get better wine.

Oh my god I forgot that I still have leftover peppermint bark.

  


If you don’t have a roommate because she’s away for the holidays, tell yourself that drinking a whole bottle of wine by yourself is part of your _process_. Then bug your friends on instant messenger until they agree to drink with you, even if it’s remotely, or maybe they’re just saying that so that they can laugh at you while you write a really dumb fic that everyone else will laugh at, too. _You don’t know._

Me, I’m drinking The Real L Word branded wine because that’s how I roll. You may if desired substitute any other wine. Or liquor. I mean, you could even drink eggnog if you want, but honestly what good ever came out of that.

  


Eat some peppermint bark for a couple of minutes and forget that you were supposed to be writing a story until your Internet friends start wondering where you are. _Hello in there, little computer people!_

How long has it been since you’ve checked your email? You should do that.

Step two: Now it’s time to remember that you got some _wine pajamas_ for Christmas, and also a really tacky wine glass that makes your lesbian chardonnay seem _really festive_. F IS FOR FANGIRL.

  


These pajamas are way too long. I mean, if I weren’t sitting down at a table drinking, I might trip on them. Step two: Do not stand up while writing fic, as it may cause you to fall and break your head. If you do fall and break your head, call 911. Do not ask your cat to do it for you.

How long has it been since you’ve updated your Twitter status? You should do that.

Where did the damn cat go?

Step two: You should probably decide what you’re going to write.

Oh, there’s the cat! The cat looks pissed that you haven’t fed her. Hint: She does not want wine, even if you spill it on the table.

  


How is the bottle half empty when you havn’t written anything yet?

Dude, you are _so brilliant_ at writing when you’re drunk. You should do this as a career. Send out your resume immediately.

How long has it been since you’ve checked your email? You should do that.

Step two: You should probably decide what you’re going to write.

So it’s hard to decide what you’re going to write when you can’t remember where the list is, and then when you open up a web browser you get distracted by watching a video of some girl making a gingerbread house while drinking. She's kind of awesome.

Huh. Do I have any peaches? If you have peaches you should totally eat some because they’re delicious and they will help you write.

Step four: You should probably decide what you’re going to write.

So at this point you’re too drunk to properly navigate a website to find the prompt list so you might as well just figure it out on your own. Gather a stack of canon for inspiration.

  


More peppermint bark, om nom nom.

So, what, did you think you were going to absorb canon through osmosis or something?

  


Step five: Open a Word document. Title it “yuletide.” Do not spill wine on your laptop, this is very important. _Plus then your glass would be empty_.

  


At this point the wine is almpst gone, and you should really just type something on the story so that it seems like you’ve accomplished something.

  


Step three: You should probably decide what you’re going to write.

So, like, what’s popular right now? That thing with the two male characters that make out a lot in fic?

Finish off the bottle of wine. You’re working hard, you deserve it.

How long has it been since you’ve checked your email? You should do that.

Step seven: Check the clock. Panic. Make coffee. Decide it should be Irish coffee. (You deserve it.)

  


Maybe you could write about that show on that network with the thing in the place.

No, _that is coffee-flavored whiskey!_

If you knock over the wine bottle, it’s okay, because its empty. See, there is a serious safety reason why you’re drinking.

Ask your Internet friend to find the prompts list for you, because clearly navigating websites is beyond your mental capacities at the moment. (But it’s okay, you can still write fic! You can! YES YOU CAN!)

 _Why is the wine gone?_

You’e starting to get too drunk for this. Ask your Internet friends for ideas. They tell you that you need to decide what you’re going to write. USELESS.

Did you know that a giant squid can weigh up to 1600 pounds? These are the things that you research at 3am when you’re thinking about Harry Potter fandom.

You know what’s great about Harry Potter? Butterbeer. They should make that with alcohol. Oh my god that would be great to drink while writing fic. Do you have any butterscotch schnapps?

No, you don’t. Also you realize that you’re not allowed to write Harry Potter. If you still have peppermint bark, now is the time.

You realize that the peppermint bark has fought it out, until only Highlander Bark is left. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. You write a paragraph about Highlander Bark, last of the immortal peppermints. Then your cat steps on the keyboard and erases it.

  


You go to Write or Die and force yourself to write 200 words. You realize when you’r done that it’s a recipe for butterbeer.

Now your Internet friends are “trying to be helpful” by making completely useless suggestions. Ignore them. They have clearly not been drinking enoug.

Step 12: DO OR DIE. When you finally manage to pull up the prompt list, you’re going to find the first five-minute YouTube show you can to parody. How hard can that be, right?

Write in your authors notes that typos are a stylistic choice.

After you finish, you’ll probably have the munchies.

You should totally cook something.

  


The end.


End file.
